Lust to Love
by smartylover
Summary: A oneshot. MS


Title: Lust to Love  
Author: Caitlin  
Rating: PG  
A/N: One part- Samantha's musing.

_It used to be fun was in  
The capture and kill  
In another place and time  
I did it all for thrills  
_

It's funny how things change. It used to be me that played the aloof character and now it's him. I don't think he even notices my worried glances, he is too wrapped up in all his pain to notice anything around him, but I notice him. I see the pain in his eyes when he moves, the hand that flutters to his side gives away the fact that he is not doing well. He will never admit that though, not in a million years. Especially not to me.

Our relationship has left me with so many questions, things that I didn't even consider when I was with him. Martin Fitzgerald has changed me though, in ways I had promised myself I would never allow a man to do.

Part of me hated him for doing that to me. Hated him for loving him. It was impossible not to love Martin though, he was as close to an angel that you get walking the earth. At least he used to be. Now he snaps at people who only want to help. He cannot accept their pity. That would be the worst thing for him right now. Letting people know that he is weak. Exactly the same way that I myself was. At least BM-Before Martin. He made me better and I threw that away. 

_Love me and I'll leave you  
I told you at the start  
I had no idea that you  
Would tear my world apart_

Watching him pop the pills tore apart my heart. I couldn't stand by and watch him do this to himself, I wanted to reach out and take him in my arms let him sob out his pain, not bottle it up, blanketing it with pills and booze that did nothing for him when he awoke in the mornings feeling more lost and alone then he had the previous day. The spiral of decline was obvious to us all, even Elena and what did she know of Martin, she didn't know the real him, had no idea that he could make a world light up with his smile. My world.

Still she noticed his pain, and asked me about it. Another thing I have to thank Martin for, allowing myself to trust new people. Make friends. It used to be that Martin was the friendly one. Welcoming and inviting to all those around him. It wasn't that he was horrible to Elena, not at all, but he wasn't the same as when I first met him. Maybe it was only me that could see that fact. But I knew he wasn't the same. Then again neither was I.

_And you're the one to blame  
I used to know my name  
But I've lost control of the game  
'cause even though I set the rules  
You've got me acting like a fool  
When I see you I lose my cool  
_

Looking into the mirror sometimes I didn't recognise myself, the person that I had become. I thought that now, standing in front of my bathroom mirror, just one of the rooms in my house that held so many memories of Martin. The playful water fights, long showers together and other normal couple things that Martin and I enjoyed for a brief time before it all fell apart around us like a tumbling wall. Before I put up the defences to stop myself from falling head over heels, not realising I had already plummeted.

My mother used to say that you don't know what you have got until it is one and that was certainly true of Martin. I only seemed to realise how much he meant to me after he had broken up with me. I remember watching him walk away from me "Shouldn't have had to be a fight" resounding clearly in my ears even as his steps fade. I knew I loved him then. Good timing Samantha.

_Lust to love  
Was the last thing I was dreaming of  
And now all I want is just to love  
Lust turned to love_

Funny how it all started out as a physical thing. I had never had a partner as good as Martin, he was like a drug and I am ashamed to admit it that at first that was why I was with him. For no other reason other than how he made me feel. Soon enough though my feelings began to change and ran much deeper than just a physical thing. He had to watch me pull away from him, now I have to watch as he withdraws into himself, blocking out the sunlight that only friendship and love can bring.

For that we both had to suffer, for my mistakes in the past, for his blindness in the present.

_That was when the fun was in  
The capture and the kill  
In another place and time  
I did it all for thrills_

Why was he here? Standing in front of me at my door, I wore only a robe, I had been caught unaware by the pounding on my apartment door, having just stepped from the shower. That still did not change the fact that Martin Fitzgerald now stood on my doorstep.

"Martin what are you doing here?" I asked opening the door, the smell of alcohol hitting me already. 

"Samantha I wanted to see you" his slurred words clued me into the amount he must of drank, I ushered him in and he collapsed on the sofa. I headed to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. He didn't acknowledge me as I put it down in front of him, or when I sat down by his side.

"What are you doing here Martin, it's late. How much have you had to drink?"

"Was at a bar, saw a woman with blond hair. I thought it was you but it wasn't. Obviously because you are here now!" he said looking up at me "And I thought hey look at that, it's my Sammy! But then it wasn't my Sammy so I thought. I'll just go and see my Sammy! Therefore here I am, seeing my Sammy!'

"Well not that I am not thrilled that you thought of me in your drunken state, it's late, I just want to go to bed. You can crash on the sofa, but I warn you, I will be laughing at you tomorrow morning!" I told him and he nodded, his eyes focusing on me in my robe, with damp hair.

"Are you wearing anything under that robe?"

I rolled my eyes. How much I would have loved to tell him no, let him into my arms and into my bed where I felt he belonged. That wouldn't do us any good though, he didn't want me anymore, not really anyway, and I would just be taking advantage of him.

"Sam? Give me the peace and joy of your life…" His muttered words, muffled by his yawn hit me hard though I knew them to be the lyrics of a song, one he had probably heard while he was out that night. I wish I could take it all away, make him smile again. The peace and joy in my life though? My peace and joy was him, finding comfort in knowing that at some point, by somebody, I was loved. How could I give him that? How could I tell him that?

"Goodnight Martin" he was already asleep as I rose from the sofa, bringing his feet round and draping the blanket over him. I allowed myself to place a kiss on his cheek and utter to him the words that I had never before said to him.

"I love you. I am here for you." It was safe to do that while he was asleep, so much of our relationship had been kept secret, it seemed fitting that my confession should be too. He didn't want me anymore, didn't care about me in that way so it was a secret that only these four walls and myself knew. Everything looks better in the dark

I wanted to stay there with him all night, make him stay awake until he told me what was wrong, why he turned up at my stop rather than anywhere else. Was a call for help? Or was it just a drunken thought, clouded with confusion.

I sighed, watching him sleep as I had so many times before and I trudged back to my room, changing into my pyjama's and slipping into my cold empty bed, and drawing the covers around me tight. I knew I would not sleep a wink. Not tonight, just like every night since Martin's arms left me.

_Love me and I'll leave you  
I told you at the start  
I had no idea that you  
Would tear my world apart_


End file.
